I GIVE UP!

(TRANSCRIPT OF TOM BRENNAN'S CONCESSION SPEECH AT THE ISIAH THOMAS CIVIC CENTER IN SCHENECTANY, NY)

...seriously? Fine. I'll talk to them.

My fellow Americans, good evening. A few moments ago I called my opponent to concede the presidential race. I say "my opponent" rather than name them because you know what's the point? What's the point of naming them? A plurality of you voted for them, in spite of weeks of polling that had us in a dead heat. Well, what are you gonna do?

But make no mistake, my fellow Americans, today may be a victory for my opponent, but it is not a loss for me but rather for you. You lost today, and you lost huge. You lost for your future. You lost for your present. You even lost for your past, I guess. Whatever. The point is, you're the ones who have saddled this shit-stain you dare to call a country with the kind of vapid, brain dead leadership it deserves.

Before I walked out here, my staff encouraged me to congratulate you on a campaign hard fought. So as always (and unlike my opponent), I will not lie to you -- clearly you didn't work hard enough. They also asked me to talk about my regrets and what I'll miss most about the campaign trail. Yes, how will I wake up tomorrow knowing I won't be going to another pancake breakfast in a deteriorating midwestern rec hall with a group of seniors who look like Dick Tracy villains?

Now I can spend more time with my family, who, I assure you, are thrilled to know that two years of my private life being paraded on the national stage, ads questioning my patriotism and a parade of former co-workers, ex-lovers and folks I owe money to popping up on screen every two days, has landed me back on the couch watching TBS's all day marathon of City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curley's Gold.

But hey, you had to vote for someone else. That's fine. My time's just about done here -- what? I have another five minutes? Great. For the next five minutes, I will list some of my favorite nicknames I used for your home states, moments after my campaign skipped town.

Shittsylvania
Delewhogivesashit?
Look at what a Genius I am cuz I read a book once! (that's New York)
Kansassholes
Califuckyourself
Arkansassholes
New Jersey

...excuse me?

Okay, my security team wants me to call it a night. Thanks, again, for not voting me into the job of cleaning up your dumb ass decisions. I'll see you all in hell, and may God bless America.

(HERE, THERE WAS A BRIEF PAUSE AS MR. BRENNAN ARGUED WITH HIS SECURITY TEAM, BEFORE TURNING BACK TO THE PODIUM)

Why don't you people like me?

(MR. BRENNAN WAS PROMPTLY TASED BY HIS SECURITY TEAM AND DRAGGED OFF STAGE)