I thought I was funny a year ago!

About a year ago, I spent the commute to work writing jokes as I went along. Then I stopped, cuz my boss wanted me to show up earlier, which meant I had to leave during the rush, which meant I couldn't sit down and write.

::cough::

Here are some of my favorites that I found, re-reading my notebook:

1) Why do beer ads even bother having text on them? I live in New York and am currently on the subway in rush hour. It's 8 AM and I already don't need much more motivation to get drunk tonight.

2) SOmetimes I worry if I've become the crazy guy on the subway. Those days, I just smile and tell myself "BLARGHTheGovernmentRAAARRGGHHJewsGNAAARRRRRcorporations!"

3) I used to think a girl reading comics on the subway was sexy. Now I wonder who she's killed. Or how she got that killer bod after the sex change.

4) I'll tell you what I love about babies on the subway -- they are fully aware how much power their ability to cry has, and they're ready to destroy your day if they have to. They're like miniature martial artists -- perfecting their art that they need never use it. Also, like martial artists, they poop their pants and need mom to clean it up.

5) Old-timey news headlines were referred to as fat faces. Ironic as most of the newsboys selling them could barely afford to eat.

6) I'll tell you what the best part of 19th century typography was -- the pussy.

7) What's with this asshole -- amIright? (editor's note: this guy really was an asshole. For serious.)

8) Racism is so silly to me. How can you hate the Chinese just because they look different? You should hate them because they're out to destroy our economy, our way of life and kill our female babies.

9) The D train to work is like that girl with the nice face who gives good blowjobs. It's always there, it gets me where I need to go but I'm always disappointed when I get off.

9B): Alternate punchline to that joke: The D Train to work is like that girl with a nice face who gives good blow jobs -- always full of immigrants.

10) I'll tell you what I love about babies on the subway -- odds are, they're single

11) You know what the difference between Catholics and everyone else is? We're not going to Hell. You sinners.

12) I love how pissy people get when you read the newspaper over their shoulder on the subway. Why so private? It's the world's news, not the "You have bad credit and a UTI-Times Picayune"

13) The higher-ups are working from home today. If "working" you mean "Watching 'The View.'" And if by "from home" you mean, "from home."

14) I'm the kind of guy who likes to control his destiny. That's why I pee my pants 3 times a day.

15) My favorite insincere hello in the morning is from the old black security guard at the front desk of my building. Mainly because he doesn't have to be insincere, but he takes the time to do so.